Monday, May 24, 2010
Things are changing. My love for words is sharpening- growing deeper. It must be the season. Summer brings many new breaths. My absence was much needed from this blog. I didn’t know what I was doing with it before and to some obtuse degree I still don’t. All I know is that this summer will be one of changes. Changes that will resonate in my interiors and some that will resonate externally. I will become an interior decorator and I will paint my walls the colors I chose- whatever feels right.
This year went by in high speed blinks. I fell in love with a soft skeleton and came to realize, foolishly, that skeletons don’t have hearts. But it was beautiful while it lasted. My breathing was sweeter and the moonless skies lit our skin with grace. I went for months without gifting my journal with a single verse and on many levels I have the skeleton to thank for bringing me back. I am flooded with words and thoughts that don’t die by the time they reach a page. They linger until I have caught them all and given them life. It’s strange and beautiful how one individual can give life to another. I hope my words will do the same.
I’m finding peace now. I’ve moved the furniture in my room and I’m in the process of moving the furniture of my body. I finally understood the beauty in emptiness and a couple nights ago had an eye-opening conversation with Alma. I cried at the terrible emptiness of grief. I cried but I accepted its beauty. She said failure is evolution and I realized my tears were not so heavy anymore. Ellie was in another room of my house, some high pitched conversation resonating around. I cried and she laughed- completely unaware of my epiphany. It was such a beautiful moment. Stimulating. I was surrounded by emotions and I never felt more alive in the smallness of my room. I was evolving- I am evolving. I am changing and growing and living.
I am my own antimatter. I chose what I will accept to be defeat and this summer I will rid myself of what no longer is a part of me and strive to pick up what will be. Good music will by my backdrop and art will fuel my desires. My symmetry is fading and I'm not scared. I'm embracing the possibilities of not being adhered to any mold and, ultimately, that is what I'm anticipating for this blog as well. Iron & Wine in the background and a lot of possibility in the air- I am so excited for this new breath of life.